Good Afternoon and Happy May!
This post is going to be a little bit different today and please bear with me.
Abba directed me to share my journal letter with Him from our private time this morning, and I’m going to do it now. This may be a little long and it's a lot personal and private. And very stretching… But I’m working on walking in quick obedience to God whether I like it or not.
So here we go. I pray it resonates with you in some way and that you receive what God wants you to get out of this.
My entry…
Jeremiah 17:5-8 (NLT) This is what the Lord says: “Cursed are those who put their trust in mere humans, who rely on human strength and turn their hearts away from the Lord. They are like stunted shrubs in the desert, with no hope for the future. They will live in the barren wilderness, in an uninhabited salty land. But blessed are those who trust in the Lord and have made the Lord their hope and confidence. They are like trees planted along a riverbank, with roots that reach deep into the water. Such trees are not bothered by the heat or worried by long months of drought. Their leaves stay green, and they never stop producing fruit.
Abba, I am feeling lost, empty, floundering, adrift, and I am going to stop moving like I know where I am going or doing because I don’t. Daddy, I am lost and I need you to find me. Come find me Daddy because I don’t know which way to go and all I am doing is talking myself farther and farther away from you.
I feel like a fraud at times, and yes I still don’t understand how You see what you see in me. I keep messing up Abba and have all these questions and doubts, going off in my own strength and power - I keep getting things wrong.
I feel like after these 2 years of going hard for you, I am not supposed to be feeling and behaving like this still. I should be doing it better and stronger, facing these doubts and fears better. Stronger in my identity because it's like I act like an entitled child or like I’m your bastard stepchild.
I want to walk in the confident assurance that comes from knowing who I am in You, that I really am Your baby girl, and not out here faking who I am or that I’m less than Your other daughters.
Why am I not getting this right Abba?
I feel like I fail and disappoint you all the time.
I am tired and I am tired of running, of messing up, of disappointing you, of getting it wrong, of acting ungrateful, of everything.
Have I grown? Have I grown from 2 years ago because I still seek others' approval, sometimes their validation that I am doing good?
You are stripping away everyone and everything I clung to and made idols or put before You, and I don’t fully understand this season at times. And You are moving on my behalf, and I am so thankful and grateful, and know I couldn’t do this in my own strength, You are keeping and preserving me Abba, so why am I still feeling like this?
And I repent for not seeking You these last few weeks more consistently which added to the distance and feeling lost because I put space between us. I kept crying out for you Abba, but I couldn’t feel you. Those times I prayed and journaled, I still felt like I wasn't connected. I haven't gone live because I feel like a fraud, talking about things and feeling like this, and besides - our connection.
Do you hear me screaming inside, Abba?
I am not fine and I haven’t been honest with the people you placed in my life because of shame and condemnation, because I still feel this way like I haven’t grown and still struggling with the same issues.
Who am I to lead anyone when I can’t lead myself?
I heard Him say “Moses, Gideon”
I don’t see yet and fully see what you see when You look at me but I really desire not only to see but be THAT version of Melissa… not just for me, but for my kids, and the people You have called me to.
I am so sorry for disappointing you, Abba, for letting you down. And I admit I’m a little apprehensive about this new - new places and spaces, new levels, new changes - I know what is required - faith, trust, hope, and a leap of faith.
I need you, Abba. I need all of You. Empty me out of all of this and fill me with You. Empty me out of all of this and fill me with You. I left this victimhood and pain - that version of me in Bali water in that pool. Let her stay dead and drowned, Lord.
I don’t know how to move and transition up at this point or which way is up. I need You to come get me, Abba. Come find me, I can’t even tell you the street I'm on. Come get me and bring me back, come find me. I need more of You, empty me totally out. I feel empty but if there is anything of the old me - empty me and fill me with You.
Abba Daddy, do You hear me?
I’m screaming and everything! I need You!
Can You love on me, just like tangibly let me feel You love tangibly? Your grown men hugs. I heard Him say, “Skin to Skin.”
It’s hard out here and I worry that I am not doing this parenting thing right either. I don’t want to mess up either one of your sons. I want to do better now that I understand better. I worry about things too much. I feel like I am running to catch up but not getting anywhere. Don’t let me go Abba. Please don’t let me go.
I repent for perfectionism and striving to earn Your love, approval, and notice because the little girl inside me is screaming loud - Love me, Choose me, Want me, See me!!! I repent for being afraid too, to ask those deeper questions because of the answers or condemnation I think I will get from You cause I’m in trouble.
Open my eyes to see, Lord!
Ok, Abba I vented and now I am sitting here still for you to talk to me. My ears are open and I am listening. Help me be still and stay focused on you.
God said:
“Start praying in your Heavenly language, and build yourself up. Put pen to paper and write what you hear Melissa. You hear Me - you hear My voice, it's not you. You get into your mind and overthink and complicate things, baby girl. Repent and renounce and put Me back where I belong. Give it to Me and surrender, fully surrender.
Sometimes you get lost and confused because You expect me to come with a loud, stern voice like your stepfather because that’s what you were used to, full of condemnation and scolding so when I come in gentle and loving, you don’t know how to handle that. Sit with this for a moment, we’ll come back to this.
You don’t have Asperger’s, that is a lie from the pits of hell, so repent and renounce it, And it’s not your fault and you did nothing wrong for Micah to have this autism diagnosis, Mel. You think you can’t handle him, BUT I knew all of this when I chose you to be his mom.
I handpicked you and yes, there are areas of improvement, but Melissa you are a great mom!
And Micah going to stay with his father is not punishment, because princess I need you to go back to the cocoon where you can focus on you, not mom you or daughter you, but you, Melissa, My daughter, the woman - to learn about you. This separation is temporary, for a time, but is needed for both you and him. Continue to instruct him as I direct, so he can continue to practice this with his father.
Do not fear, Mel, I have you baby girl. You are doing this with Me. I am not letting you go Melissa, and even when it seems like you slipped up or away. Don’t worry because I always come back to find you, pick you up, and carry you back with Me.
That need for validation, love, and approval from anyone, especially those you love and respect, is from childhood because it was mostly unfulfilled at home. That's why you loved staying at your grandparent’s house - You already knew and felt their love and validation tangibly. That’s what I need you to realize about MY love for you and how much greater, fulfilling, and bigger it is than your grandparents. They loved, corrected, cherished, and valued you but MY love is so much more, Mel.
Me:
So why is it so hard right now to see that with You, Abba?
Abba:
Because you are still viewing me like a man and father from the perspective of the hurt little girl inside, and repent and renounce that vow that you made when younger that no one will love you as they did. Their love was conditional but MINE is unconditional. My love for you Melissa is vast, abounding, overflowing, and never stops or runs away. It is always more than enough to receive it fully.
Me:
Abba, increase my capacity to fully receive Your love for me,
Abba:
I don’t give you everything baby girl all at once because I know how your mind works and you’re not ready for that right now. That’s for your protection and so you don’t talk yourself out of My blessings. The other reason is just like a little girl still needs and depends on her dad, is the same dependence I need from you. Keep holding onto Me, that's what I require from you.
Rebuilding Melissa, this is the foundational work that we are doing - breaking down faulty foundations and building on new foundations - on ME!
It’s your Reset, Rebuild, Restore Year.
Do not be afraid. Do not fear. I am with you always. I hold you in My right hand. Ask Me those hard questions in your heart and mind - this is how you surrender and start depending on Me. Stop being a wall - strong and holding up everything, Mel.
This is not your job, but Mine!
Me:
Please confirm this with scripture.
Abba:
Isaiah 41: 9-11 (TPT)I drew you to myself from the ends of the earth and called you from its farthest corner. I say to you: ‘You are my servant; I have chosen you. I have not rejected you! Do not yield to fear, for I am always near. Never turn your gaze from me, for I am your faithful God. I will infuse you with my strength and help you in every situation. I will hold you firmly with my victorious right hand.’ All who rage against you will be ashamed and disgraced. All who contend with you will perish and disappear.
Deuteronomy 3:6-8 (AMP) Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid or tremble in dread before them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not fail you or abandon you. Then Moses called to Joshua and said to him in the sight of all [the people of] Israel, “Be strong and courageous, for you will go with this people into the land which the Lord has sworn to their fathers to give them, and you will give it to them as an inheritance. It is the Lord who goes before you; He will be with you. He will not fail you or abandon you. Do not fear or be dismayed.”
Isaiah 43:18-19 (MSG) Stop dwelling on the past. Don’t even remember these former things. I am doing something brand new, something unheard of. Even now it sprouts and grows and matures. Don’t you perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness
and open up flowing streams in the desert.
So that's what I got...
I don’t know why Abba has told me to share this entry but I know that everything He does or asks us to do has a purpose so I am going to leave this right here. If this blessed you in some way and you don’t mind sharing with me, hit the reply button, and let’s chat. BTW, this started as an email but got changed into a blog post.
I love you all to life.
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Till next time loves!
xoxo Melissa J
This is fire 🔥